Only one person has to see a situation as a conflict for it to be one. If you perceive something to be a conflict but someone else does not, the challenge is to get the other party to see the situation from your perspective and to listen long enough to see how your viewpoint may ultimately impact them. In return, you must listen to the other party’s point of view to begin the process of mutual understanding.
• The “I Message” is about stating the situation’s importance to you
• The “Clarify and Define” Step gives you the opportunity to say how the situation impacts you, and
• “Soliciting the Other Person’s Perspective” gets the dialogue started.
This process may help bring the other party to the table to open up a dialogue.
What if I am willing to be collaborative, but they aren’t?
One option is to try and coax the other party to the table. But another solution may be to rethink the situation. What do you have to gain by confronting the situation? Perhaps the other person knows more about the situation and sees that discussing it will only prolong the conflict without solving anything. Is collaboration REALLY your best option in this situation?
How do I probe deeper to determine the true source of the conflict?
A conflict is often deeper than what appears. Sometimes you have to probe deeper than the surface events to find out what is really bothering the parties in the conflict. One way to work through these iterations is to respond to the other person’s feelings, listening and accepting an outside perspective rather than simply restating your own ideas. Stand up for yourself and the importance of the issue to you, but be tolerant of the other person’s viewpoints. By getting all ideas out in the open, you increase the likelihood of finding out what are the real problems behind the conflict.
What if my boss demands a particular conflict resolution style, such as always being collaborative or expects me to be accommodating?
While it is fairly commonplace that others will expect you to behave in a manner in which they have become accustomed, it is never too late to begin changing your behavior. For those who attempt to predict your behavior or to force you into certain behaviors, they must realize that not all conflict situations require the same approach. If you think there is more to be gained by being accommodating, then use that style. If you have more to gain by avoiding, then that style should be the one you choose. Ultimately the choice on how to deal with conflict is yours, you have to be able to stand by the choices you make. If others try and force you into certain behaviors, you may eventually have to gather your strength and try a different approach that will serve as a declaration of independence.