Conversation has always been at the heart of the employer/employee relationship. Whether it’s the casual greeting upon arriving at work, the intense debate in a meeting, a quick hallway conversation, or the one-on-one with a boss about development and promotion, sooner or later, everything comes down to conversation.
While most people understand that conversation in a business setting should be more professional than a conversation with friends and family, it’s impossible to completely turn off our psychological reactions and responses in every conversation. Human beings grow up learning to converse using certain cultural and societal norms and then bring those to our business relationships. We are not programmed with AI responses like the early Eliza program from Apple.
To help improve communication in the workplace, understand that there are two levels to every conversation: the content level and the relationship level. While the content level contains the information necessary for our workplace roles, the relationship level is much larger and potentially more significant in our conversations.
At the content level, participants in the conversation establish items of discussion. We might call this the surface conversation or the agenda. Content questions might include:
Content may be set by the leader of a meeting or the person who requested the conversation, or it might be an organic process that happens spontaneously. It could be simple or complex, serious or casual.
Below the content level, however, is the relationship level. Every conversation involves some kind of relationship, whether casual, friendly, close, or intimate. Critically, the relationship quality influences the conversation's outcome, no matter what happens on the content level. In a business setting, participants in every discussion have unspoken questions about the quality and status of their relationship with one another. Questions might include:
When employees are not having their three fundamental needs met at work, those questions carry more weight than they might for employees who feel secure in their roles. This additional weight can influence the outcomes of the content level. For example, an employee who feels disrespected on the team might react negatively if a boss gives a pivotal assignment to a co-worker. Employees who feel disrespected might resent the decision and put in less effort at work.
Of course, leaders aren’t responsible for every feeling that every direct report experiences, and they should not become preoccupied with ensuring that every conversation includes space for expressing reactions or feelings from others. There are times for more focus on content and times for more emphasis on relationships, and a good leader will be able to recognize both.
However, leaders need to understand the concept of two levels of conversation for several reasons:
Leaders can choose to approach every conversation with an attitude of curiosity and respect rather than contempt and judgment. Curiosity and respect ask, “What can I learn? What can I appreciate?” Contempt and judgment, however, resort to statements: “She’s a moron!” or “I’m better than he is!”
A leader who is listening carefully might detect resentment, frustration, or discouragement during a conversation. Rather than ignoring these reactions, a curious and respectful leader might ask what provoked those reactions and try to resolve the inherent relationship issues without neglecting the content level of the conversation.
Thoughtful leaders can start paying more attention to nuances at each level of conversation and alter approaches that might negatively impact outcomes. At the content level, if decisions aren’t clear, employees might react with frustration and ask questions that sound confrontational. A leader who can look at the content ahead of time and ensure clarity can avoid frustration altogether.
As change continues apace and levels of uncertainty rise among many segments of the population, leaders who learn to listen carefully at both levels of conversation will likely have a significant advantage over those who don’t. Leaders interested in developing high-performing teams and coaching their direct reports while advancing their careers will stand out as master communicators who deliver business and people results.